Notification of Resignation from Citizenship of Nigeria

[First published in 234next.com in May 2009]

*

OFFICER OF THE ORDER OF PHANTOM RESIGNATION (O.‘F’.R)

(Dedicated to Madam Ayoka Adebayo)

 

by Tolu Ogunlesi

 

The President

The (Great) People’s Republic of Nigeria

Aso Rock.

 

Dear Sir / Madam,

Letter of Resignation

I write to notify you of my intention to resign my citizenship of this country, with effect from May 29, 2009. This is to enable me put the rest of my life and destiny to more profitable use. As outlined in the Citizenship Guidebook I shall surrender my passport, my straybullet-proof vest, my okada helmet, my National ID card and my Oxygen-Tax Card to the nearest local government office. As I will no longer be a citizen of Nigeria, may I also use this opportunity to apply for temporary asylum in the country, pending the time (2015?) when, according to experts’ predictions, the country will become a failed state, and no one will need any documents or papers to stay within its borders. 

I look forward to a speedy and favourable consideration of my request.

 

Yours Sincerely,

Frust R. Ated (Esq)

 

+++

 

F. R. Ated,

Oluwanibasiri Villa,

New Lagos

 

Dear Complainant,

Re: Letter of Resignation

I received with great dismay your letter dated today the 29^th of April 2009, informing the President of your desire to resign your citizenship of this great Nation. I am directed to inform you that the President is not in any way keen on accepting your resignation letter, as it is grossly incompatible with the 7-Stunt agenda of the administration, and is certain to send distressing signals to foreign investors and most importantly to Hollywood, which recently assured Mr. and Mrs. President of its desire to award the hosting rights of the 2012 Academy Awards to Nigeria. Consequently, I am directed to inform you that a 37-member high-powered Presidential Panel has been set up to: 

• Establish the veracity of your citizenship of this country, as your name does not appear to belong to any of our two-hundred-and-forty-nine-and-two-thirds ethnic groups (as established by the 2007 Presidential Panel on the Pacification of the Primitive Tribes of the Six Geopolitical Zones of the Niger-Benue River Basin)
• Look into the immediate, intermediate and remote causes of your desire to resign your citizenship of Nigeria, and proffer a virile and lasting panacea. 

You will be expected to appear before the panel in person. You will not grant any interviews on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube or Sahara Reporters without written approval from my office. 

Yours in the spirit of the Ruse of Law,

Jackson Ahdonkia

Hon. Minister for (International) Justice

ministry.injustice@nigeria.gov

 

cc. 

Inspector General, Nigeria Police (by) Force

Hon. Minister for Information Rebranding

 

+++

 

The Hon. Minister

Ministry of (International) Justice 

c/o Scotland Yard / Interpol

ministry.injustice@nigeria.gov

 

Dear Sir,

I write to acknowledge receipt of your correspondence dated April 29, 2009, and thank you for the prompt response. I am however directed by my conscience and my sanity to inform you that there is no going back on my decision to resign my citizenship of the Great People’s Republic of Nigeria. If you care to know Sir I have for the last twelve years lived and acted as a Government and Law unto myself. I have provided my own power supply (through a 2.5Kva Independent Power Plant located on my balcony), provided my own water supply, constructed 0.034km of tarred roads leading to my apartment, and secured my life and property through a series of orthodox and unorthodox mechanisms, ably managed by Twenty-Twenty my brown-eyed mongrel (with whom, statistically, I now share an identical life expectancy) 

I trust that you will therefore understand my current predicament, 

With all due respect,

Frust. R. Ated (Esq)

 

+++

 

F. R. Ated,

Oluwanibasiri Villa,

New Lagos

 

Dear Citizen,

I have been directed to inform you that, consequent upon high level intelligence reports reaching us regarding certain questions you may have to answer in connection with some or all of the following:  

• Treasonable Felony – for claiming to be a Government and Law unto yourself, and for erecting your own governance structures (i.e. infrastructure) in flagrant disregard of the existence of a duly-selected government
• Misapplication and Misappropriation of Funds from your deceased father’s estate 

You are hereby declared wanted by the Federal Government, the Nigerian Police Force, the People’s Disciplinary Party Board of Trustees and the Ministry of Information Rebranding.

A twenty-five-thousand naira reward has been placed on your head, and you are advised to surrender yourself to the nearest Police, Customs or LASTMA checkpoint within the next 24 hours

Yours in the spirit of the Ruse of Law,

Jackson Ahdonkia

Hon. Minister for (International) Justice

ministry.injustice@nigeria.gov

 

cc. 

Chairman, Economical (with the truth of) Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC)

Inspector General, Nigeria Police (by) Force

Hon. Minister for Information Rebranding

 

+++

 

The President

The Great People’s Republic of Nigeria

Aso Rock.

 

Dear Sir / Madam,

Power to the People (who matter!) 

It is with great dismay that I received the news making the rounds that I am attempting to resign my citizenship of the Great People’s Republic of Nigeria. I hereby wish to equivocally state that at no time, at no place, and in no circumstance did such a despicable thought cross my mind. I attribute this mix-up to the antics of miscreants and disgruntled elements who want to use the attendant negative publicity to soil my good name and the good work of the largest government in Africa. 

I also seize this opportunity to pledge my unalloyed allegiance to Mr. President, the Chairman of the ruling party, and the Almighty Constitution of the People’s Disciplinary Party. 

Yours under the Glorious Umbrella

Abiodun Wachukwu Olu-Waziri (formerly known and addressed as Frust. R. Ated, Esq)

PDP Membership Card (GoldCard) No. 234  

PS. Attached are copies of my newly-acquired PDP membership card (GoldCard) and my full-page advertorial in Time Magazine denouncing the misguided enemies of our esteemed country’s unstoppable march to greatness.

 

+++

 

6 months later…

 

Chieftain Abiodun Wachukwu Olu-Waziri

PDP Ward 13,

New Lagos

 

Dear Esteemed Patriot and Friend of Aso Rock,

It is my pleasure to inform you that, after careful consideration and painstaking consideration, and extensive security checks, you have been nominated as a recipient in the 2009 Honours List of the Great People’s Republic of Nigeria, for your impressive and enviable display of patriotism to the ideals and vision of this government, at great personal cost (the cost of an undiscounted PDP Gold Membership Card, and a full colour advertorial in Time Magazine) to yourself. 

I am delighted to let you know that you will be decorated with the ‘Officer of the Order of Phantom Resignation’ Medal (abbreviated as O.‘F’.R). Further details will be communicated to you in due course. 

On behalf of the President and Commander-in-Chief, I congratulate you. 

Long Live the People’s Disciplinary Party (PDP)

Long Live the (Great) People’s Republic of Nigeria

Long Live the 7-Stunt Agenda and the Ruse of Law

 

Yours in the spirit of the Ruse of Law,

Jackson Ahdonkia

Hon. Minister for (International) Justice

ministry.injustice@nigeria.gov

 

Tolu Ogunlesi (c) 2012 

Advertisement